Revival & Overcoming Denial
A year without writing
Confession: I barely wrote for the last year. I had so many emotions — primarily grief — just clogging up every pathway to my greatest passion.
My dad died.
It’s still hard to say, much less write about in any great detail. I probably will one day, but not today.
Losing him was too big of a thing to touch. Sometimes things are just too heavy to put on a page. I’ve always known writing is how I best process and reflect whatever I’m going through, but I think the biggest blockage was my denial. How could I write about it if I didn’t want to let myself believe it?
Identity crisis and imposter syndrome
I lost myself for a while in that denial. I even considered deleting this website and my Instagram account several times, but settled on deleting my “About” on Instagram and removing “Writer” from my title, because I felt like an imposter. Not only did I feel like I couldn’t call myself a writer — even worse — I didn’t know if I even wanted to be one anymore. Everything felt like it was for nothing, and that was one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never lived without passion before, and that was something I was grateful for, because not everyone has that. I always felt like I knew my purpose, until September 5, 2023.
I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to travel anymore.
Stillness and rediscovering purpose
I think, at the root of it, I just needed to be still for a while. I needed to process the guilt I had from my denial. I needed to start to work through the trauma from the last year. I needed to learn to self-regulate again. I needed to return to some sense of normalcy.
In that stillness, I read “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield at a friend’s recommendation. Several pieces stood out to me, but mostly these two quotes:
“The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.”
“Of any activity you do, ask yourself: If I were the last person on earth, would I still do it?”
So, I’m back, and I’m not going anywhere — in the virtual sense. In the physical and emotional sense, I’m very much going places. Stay tuned.
